Submitted by Linda Ockwell-Jenner on
The Past is The Past
Our past is a precious gift, without it we would not be here today. But, if like me you have painful memories, its difficult not to try to shed yourself of those memories and pretend they did not happen.
I only have a handful of photos of me as a baby, young child and then young adult. My Mother, whom I loved very much, probably had some mental health challenges. One day she burnt all the family photos. All those memories gone. I don’t know why, and I can’t remember how I found out. Maybe my Father told me later in life.
It upsets me, I don’t know what the “then” me looked like. When my friends share their school photos for instance, I can’t see me, I have no idea if I am even in the photo.
Someone told me earlier today who remembers me at school in England, that I was very pretty. I do feel frustrated though, because I really can’t remember what I looked like.
I regret not being able to look back in time at the younger me, but the past is in the past and I have lots of photos of me in the here and now.
The Healing Process
It’s taken me a long time to travel my very own personal healing journey, It has been a rocky road, and still is sometimes. I have discovered so many things about myself, some I want to change others I can’t. I know I am a pleaser. I know I am a worrier. I know I do not like confrontation. I know I have given in too many times and I have been manipulated.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, just confused at times. Not being a psychologist I can only guess that some of my memories are flawed, and I sometimes question if something really happened or was it my imagination.
The New Me
As I said earlier the new me is a work in progress. What I know for sure though is because I have enabled certain people in the past to impact me, in a negative way, those people are not happy that they can no longer do that. I recognized no one can control my destiny, my choices, apart from me. My new favourite word is simple – it’s a big fat NO! But, and yes there is always a but, I then feel guilty and question my actions. Confusion sets in. Day by day I am working on believing in my decisions where others are concerned and not questioning whether I am right or wrong.
Believing in Myself
I certainly believe in myself, and I am getting to know myself pretty well over many years of change, challenges and of course the choices I have made. Self doubt is still there, niggling away, but I acknowledge it and I deal with it.
If people in my life, business or personal, can’t cope with a new and confident me, then I am sorry they too have choices to make. Life is not about creating chaos for others, or taking control of people in such a way that they obey others to the point their own life is no longer considered important.
Forgiving my Past
I have forgiven my past. If that sounds weird the way I look at it is this, we blame our past if we are not the person we want to be. If we had an unhappy relationship, obviously it happened, but by forgiving our past, it means we can move on and work on our future. Dwelling on the past and blaming it for our not so perfect life in the here and now gets us nowhere. Being decisive and knowing what we want, how to get to that point is the way to go. Letting go is another way to look at it. We often think we have done that but we continue to lay blame, on the past. Being at peace with our past is the first step to leading a well balanced life.
At Peace With Our Past
Being at peace with our past, and the feelings it encourages is so beneficial in many ways. Worrying about
past events, or past experiences can cause many health issues. Sleepless nights, weight gain, depression, the list goes on.
I am beginning to feel at peace with my past, but as I said earlier, I am a work in progress. Any changes we make in our lives should not be rushed. The process of making decisions, or choices should also be taken slowly, one step at a time.
Sharing My Stories
I write about my real life experiences, it helps me and helps others. Think about storytelling as you would putting your dirty laundry in the washing machine. All the grime and stains are washed away and when you wear your clean clothes you feel comfortable, and you have more confidence. When I share my real life stories, not only is is therapeutic, it cleanses my body, mind and spirit and I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders.
My Journey Continues
As I continue my journey of self discovery, I can look back, I can look forward, I have the comfort of knowing I have forgiven my past.
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